Young womens values part 3: Individual worth

Worth in the mormon church is evaluated in very specific ways. Worthiness is evaluated yearly and sometimes more often.

I am 12, excited to go to the temple for the first time. Finally I get to do baptisms for the dead. I have to get a recommend so I sign up for an interview. I wait in the hallway of the church with the other pre-teens, all nervous, all restless, all confused and hormonal and crazy, as we are one-by-one collected into the bishop's office.

I don't know the bishop. I know his daughters, who are all stuck up. I know that my 16 year old sister doesn't like him, but she doesn't like anyone who tells her what to do. I know that he is a pharmacist. I know that he is at the church every night, and all day Sunday.

Finally, it is my turn. The bishop is running late, so I am going to have to beg a ride home again. The office is small and cheerless, dominated by an enormous dark desk flanked by two tall file cabinets. I imagine him at the grocery store, looking down on people from the pharmacy. He is looking down on me now over his wire glasses. I sit in the chair in front of his desk, my feet not touching the mauve carpet.

He asks me to offer an opening prayer. I say something banal about getting home in safety. As he starts the interview, I can see his impossibly long legs splayed under the desk, his suit pants just a little too short. As he fixes his gaze on me, I remember all the stories I know about the power of discernment, and how god tells the bishop if you lie. Lying to the bishop is lying to god himself. The bishop is your friend. I squirm uncomfortably.

The questions start out simply enough. Do you believe in god, and his son jesus christ? Do you believe that Joseph Smith restored the one true church to the earth? Do you sustain your priesthood leaders? Yes, yes, yes.

Then came the serious questions: do you obey the commandments? do you follow the word of wisdom? do you obey the law of chastity? I remember lessons about moral purity in things like petting and necking. I wonder what pleasure is derived from putting your necks together. I say I keep the law of chastity. I'd know if I were petting, right?

I hope desperately that he won't ask about touching myself, which I definitely do. I have heard that he only asks the boys. He doesn't ask me directly, but he looks at me severely: if there is anything you need to repent of, confession to the bishop is a necessary part of the repentance process. Do you know the steps of repentance? I force a smile, repeating the steps, and wonder again about the discernment.

He says the closing prayer, blessing that I will be diligent and obedient. I walk back into the hall with his signature, my pass into the temple, into the house of the lord. No unclean thing can enter.

I wonder fervently if I am unclean. I don't know the word masturbation, but I know from the lessons in church that I am doing wrong. I wonder if repenting to god is enough, but I keep running into the correct, true list of repentance:
1. Sorrow
2. Confession
3. Ask forgiveness
4. Restitution
5. Promise to never do it again
I confessed to god, but it is clear at church that confession is to the bishop. I ask god but the heavens are silent.

If you repent, but do it again, failing in step 5, all those past sins you confessed for come back. I always fail at step 2 and 5. But I dread not being able to take the sacrament. My whole family would know. I dread the public shame and resolve, again, to keep my hands off myself, and contemplate how many sins have come back to me at my last slip up. Rumor had it that the temple workers had the power of discernment as well. I hope I won't get kicked out. Six months to my birthday and the next worthiness interview.