Singles wards

This is actually the name of one of the bad movies that comes out of happy valley every year. I worked in one of the restaurants in Orem for two years, and the actors of these (did I mention they were really horrible awful movies) mormon movies would come in to eat. I hated them because they would always demand star treatment--well, such as it is in Utah. They would ask to be seated in closed sections of the restaurant so they wouldn't get mobbed by adoring fans. I waited on Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, and she had no problem sitting with her friends in the middle of the restaurant. Oh, but the guy from American Pie who does the MILF, he's a jackass.

Anyway, singles wards are congregations of unmarried mormons over 18. Usually, when you turn 18, you go to Relief Society, the organization of women in the church who now do very little relieving (the name was originally meant to be a reflection of the charitable work the group did, organized by a woman who thought her husband WASN"T a lying, cheating, horny bastard). Even if you are not married at 18, you go to Relief Society, but most young adults find that uncomfortable. Lessons are on supporting your husband, teaching your children to follow the gospel. If you have no husband/child, it can be uncomfortable and seem a little pointless.

So, in areas where there is a high concentration of momons (mostly the western US and college towns. In Europe, there is only 1 singles ward, and it's in London), the leadership creates congregations entirely of single adults. The highest callings in the ward (bishop, his two counselors) are still filled by married men, but everyone else is unmarried.

It feels like such a meat market. In some singles wards, they take your picture and put it into the ward directory with things like your major/job and your interests, presumably to make the job of courting and mating more streamlined. They have weekly (sometimes daily) activities to keep the single adults busy and out of trouble. Monday is Family Home Evening (families do this Monday night in their own home, it's a family activity and a church message, but since singles have no families, this is usually done with the congregation in the bishop's home). Tuesday or Wednesday you have an activity like board games or dodgeball or a hike or playing human foozeball. There is usually a temple night or a cannery night. Then, over the weekend, you have firesides or dances.

The dances are awful. In the bad movie with the arrogant actors that I mentioned above, one of these dances is pictured. It seems to any sane individual to be a hyperbole, an exaggeration of reality to make a point. There are very awkward people, boring music, a prayer to open and close, unidentified red punch, refreshments of M&Ms. The people have to dance "appropriately" which usually means that you could fit a Book of Mormon between them. All in all, it looks like the dances that most people had in 7th grade, where the boys are on one wall and girls are on the other. Oh, and you have the really creepy man that follows the girls around asking for a dance; this is the man who is desperate to get married. He asks every girl to dance at least once, and he has creepy hands.

This is not a hyperbole. The only thing that is not accurate is there is usually more than one creepy man.

And because girls are counseled from the pulpit to not turn down me, and men are counseled from the pulpit to ask girls out and pair off and date and marry, well, you kinda have to say yes to the creepy guy who asks you to dance.

I was always told to tone down my opinions, that no guy would want to marry me when I was opinionated and a (gasp!) feminist.

By the way, the greatest threats to the mormon church are intellectuals, homosexuals, and feminists. Look it up. It was proclaimed by a prophet of god. You know, I don't trust any organization that disagrees with equal rights, loving relationships, and academic honesty.