Young womens values part 4: Knowledge

The glory of god is intelligence.

Mormons believe that before we existed in the pre-existence (a Miltonion place where we all floated around in our endless being), we were all intelligences. Mormons who are accused of being anti-intellectual point to the church owned schools, the high level of education of their leaders, the scriptures that advocate you to "seek ye knowledge out of the best books." Mormons can give you any number of general conference talks that say that you should go to school, educate yourself, "children will never recover from the ignorance of their mothers." Etc, etc, ad nauseum.

The church has this very divided view on knowledge. On the one hand, knowledge is good. In the stairwell at the BYU library, there is a quote that says "search ye out of the best books." The church teaches that "the glory of god is intelligence." Boys (sometimes, but not often, girls) are encouraged to go to school and get an education. When Joseph Smith got the first vision, he did so because he "lacked wisdom" and so asked god.

At the same time, too much knowledge is bad. After all, who determines the "best" books? I was told when I was in grad school that I shouldn't read that which disagrees with the church. Like what? Archeology that says the earth is older than 6,000 years? Evolutionary works? There is, after all, a lot that disagrees with the church.

Knowledge is also placed in opposition to, and greater than, faith. When you bear testimony (the act of getting up in front of others who believe as you do, and reaffirm your mutually held beliefs, you always say you "know." I know that god lives, I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet, I know that Thomas S. Monson is the prophet today.

However, there is another side to the story (I have a very personal relationship with that other side. I couldn't read that which disagreed with the church for a full year after I decided church was not for me. The thought of reading things about the church that were not approved and correlated filled me with an inexplicable dread. I was literally made sick). Mormonism has always had an anti intellectual streak. A country mile wide streak.

It begins innocently enough: it begins with feelings. You are taught that good feelings equals god telling you it's good, and bad feelings is god telling you it's wrong. Or that good feeling is satan trying to pull you away, and bad feeling is godly guilt so that you can repent. From the time you are very little, you are taught that feeling trumps all, trumps fact and history and your brain and your soul. It doesn't matter that Joseph Smith was a lying pedophile: I feel that he was a true prophet of god. It doesn't matter that the fictionalized history of The Work and the Glory says NOTHING about the polygamy that was rampant in the church, and the lies and the struggles and the contradictions and the unhappy women and children resultant from horny men claiming revelation and god and holiness in their desire to bed multiple women: when I read the book, I feel good, so it must be true. This is the "I know" of mormonism.

That means that when you are presented with facts, facts that contradict your "knowledge" of the gospel, you feel bad. When presented with court documents of Joseph Smith being a convicted con man, you feel bad. When you read that all the "explanations" of polygamy are deeply flawed, you feel awful. When you research the Pearl of Great Price, and hear what Egyptologists say about it, you feel personally attacked. You feel your world coming apart. And that is just god's way of telling you that it is bad and untrue, and you should pray more and pay your tithing, and put all that disturbing stuff out of your mind.

I did. I did for a long time. I would defend the church. I believed that polygamy really didn't matter. I believed that my bishop knew better than I did. I believed my search for knowledge was going to lead me straight to hell. I believed that I was the problem, that I was a sinner for even daring to ask the questions.

Of course, my belief was reinforced by centuries of anti-intellectual reinforcement:
What is true is not always useful
The three greatest threats to the church are feminists, homosexuals, and so-called intellectuals
Once the prophet speaks, the thinking has been done
Do not speak evil of the lord's annointed
Follow the prophet
When they are learned, they think they are wise and harken not unto the counsels of god
Lean not unto thine own understanding
Knowledge in the church is the most important kind
If you want to know about mormonism, ask a mormon
Don't read things that disagree with the church
Don't associate with apostates
People only leave the church because they're offended, because they want to sin, because they are weak

I hated going to church. I hated the banality, the repetition. I hated being spoon-fed the same thing when I craved knowledge, analysis, something more than the same things I had been hearing my whole life. I taught the women's class once: I have always been a teacher, and I am good at it. I didn't do anything radical, but maybe I was a bit too outspoken, a bit too analytical, a bit too interested in getting participation from others instead of letting them slip into the comfortable coma that is familiar to anyone who's sat through a mormon meeting. I was released from my calling before I could teach another.

Knowledge is good, but if it causes you to question, then satan can get you. Knowledge is good, as long as you don't ask too many questions. Knowledge is good, but bow to the will of your preisthood authority. Knowledge is good, but don't share it if it looks bad for the church. Knowledge is good, but keep it to yourself. Knowledge is good, but don't read books/websites that disagree with the church, that will cause you to fall away. Knowledge is good, but your testimony is so fragile.

At BYU, there were things that you couldn't talk about. Feminism, homosexuality, anti-mormonism, huge chunks of science, of analysis, of anything negative. Don't engage in fault-finding, don't be stiff-necked, brass-browed.

I was never one to control information, but I somehow made it make sense in my head: the fact that I could analyze for school but not the church. Never the church. Don't think too much about the church, because, after all, doesn't it feel right?

Knowledge is good, but make sure you you sit down and shut the fuck up.